theological journey

I feel as if I am on a journey that continues to take me far from what I once believed, far from who I once was.  

I used to believe that I could earn healing.  I mean, I wouldn't use those words, but that's what I believed.  I have chronic pain in my lower back.  Been to every specialist you can think of.  Tried every traditional and alternative method I could try.  Tried every "prayer tactic" I could.  No healing.  I thought it was my fault.  That i didn't have enough faith.  Kept on "pressing in" and "claiming the healing that is mine in Christ".  Still nothing.

Around this time last year, I realized that God had not promised me healing.  His word says that He does heal, but it is always for His glory, not my own alleviation of pain or discomfort.    

Who am I?  Am I above my savior, who suffered tremendous pain in his own body?  In Matthew, Jesus says, "A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master." (Matthew 10:24)  Interesting thing is the pain has really lessened since I stopped "claiming" healing.  Hmmm.  I think there's something that happens when you stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on God.  It just doesn't hurt as much.  (whatever "it" is)  (DISCLAIMER: there is NOTHING good in me apart from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.  So whatever "focusing" I did on God rather than myself was a gift from the Lord.)

I believe now that God sovereignly chose those who have been and will be saved.  I didn't used to believe this.  I mean, how could God do that?  It isn't fair.  I think our finite minds can't understand God, so we try to explain it away, but in so doing, we distort the truth and put him into a box.  The passage that really turned me around was John 6:37-40.  Jesus says that he came to do the will of His Father, and that he had not lost one that the Father had given Him.  This was revolutionary for me.  Because to say that God had given him EVERYONE, that would mean that he did/does lose many, which would mean that he didn't do the will of the Father.  How could Christ, God made flesh, not fulfill the purpose/will of God?  

Thankful tonight, for all God is to me now.  He has always been these things, I just couldn't see it.